Monday, 8 November 2010

A bloody nuisance

This is doing the email rounds so some of you may have already seen it. My apologies in advance to those people and those that take offense easily, but I think this is funny. I don't know who the original author is so if you have any complaints, let him or her know.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we' may need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled". (So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level..)

I like to imagine that the Irish listened patiently to calls to raise the threat level, then collectively said something like "Fuckin' Brilliant! Paddey, pull me another pint while I'm still alive to enjoy it!"


Diane said...

I think I'm changing my nationality to Irish ;)

boo said... husband will love this!

Tom said...

The thing that got me most is how similar the Americans and Scots are - and also how accurate the description of the English is!


Tom said...

Very funny. I actually forwarded it which is something I never do.

Keera Ann Fox said...

LOL! (Esp. the Spanish navy.)

I think the Norwegians have only one alert level: "Something's interfering with our holiday plans. Complain!" ;-)